Changes

Seriously, though, I made a pact with myself to start changin my life around. After all, I don't want to be remembered as J.P. McDonough: chain smoker, problem drinker, and chronic masturbator. No, I want people to remember me as J.P. McDonough, marathon runner, life of the party, and chronic masturbator.

I'm not kidding, either, I need a good girlfriend or several bad ones, I don't know which. I beat it so frequently that I'm developing carpal-tunnel syndrome.

And the drinking, I'm no Ted Kennedy or nothing, but, God, when you know you have problems when you were the subject of an ABC after-school special, starred in it, received an Academy Award for your performance, only to wake up months later and not even realize you did any of those things. And, damn it, which one of the Olsen Twins did I sleep with? If only I could remember!

I was never a mean drunk, to be sure. I simply became very loud and very talkative, very sociable. In fact, you may have seen me before...on Cops.

So I stopped drinking...a lot. Just like I quit doing drugs...outside of home.

Funny thing is, anytime a celebrity or a member or the Royal Family or a pope appears in public, there's tons of people about to preserve the moment in pictures. God, thank you, that no one was around to snap pictures of me during my moments of extreme drunkeness. I could see it now...EXCLUSIVE: Local doc snapped on top of coffee table licking candles while singing the score to Team America. Pics on page 5. Yeesh.