Cold

I gotta admit, women are good sports about pretty much everything. I'm not saying they have a sense of humor about it all, I'm just saying that they take everything so well, in stride.

I'll give you an example. The other day, I'm in the Dekalb Farmer's Market getting some tuna for dinner. You know, Yellowfin, not chicken of the sea of some shit, good stuff. Anyway, because of their fish section, they keep the place a nice, warm, 50 degrees.

As I'm looking around, I notice this girl who's probably six foot two, tall and lean. However, I immediately noticed that she was COLD. You know what I mean...things begin to dimple and point out? Yeah, she had goose bumps on her skin...come on. Her nipples were pointing out and were hard to ignore.

But she carried herself with such dignity, you know? She knew it, I knew it, but she refused to let her saluting zeppelins ruin her aire of refined grace. I began to notice this on more and more women, but they all, again, were stilll graceful in their ignorance of their visible chilliness.

Guys, what if we had the same problem. Not with nipples, but what if everytime we got cold we got a hard on? Could you imagine walking down the freezer aisle of your local supermarket with a raging hard on? Even if you did, would you just nonchalantly stride through the aisle with a giant ten pitched in you pants? As if no one could see it?

"Excuse me, 'scuse me, coming through. Sorry about that. No, nothing cold here, not cold a bit, if anything it's hot...HEY don't slam the freezer door shut like that? Can't you see I'm cold, lady? Dammit all!"

Drug Tests and Corporal Punishment

I bet you didn't know this one: they don't administer drug tests to teachers...ever. Not during the hiring process nor any random time during the year. I think it's high time that that changed, you know? Seriously, these are people shaping the future and we're allowing to live an unmitigated private life? Come on!

Doctor: Mr. McDonough, you test came back clean. I've got a couple of questions, though.

Me: Sure thing.

Doctor: What's your profession, again?

Me: I'm a teacher?

Doctor: Okay, I though so. My second question is, why aren't you taking your drugs?

I mean, if you're teaching and NOT on drugs, you need to see a doctor immediately for a prescription to SOMETHING. Those folks who do it and simply love it scare the SHIT out of me.

I think the reason I'm so on edge is because it's too late to turn back and do something else. It's either this, or I can continue living in my parent's basement for the rest of my life. My only fear, though, is that they bring back corporal punishment (not my parents but the school board). I don't want to spank anybody. Not because I don't think they deserve it, but in this day and age, you never know if they're going to like it, too. It be just my luck to have to administer something like that to a future bondage fanatic who starts screaming for joy with every brutal shot. "Yay! Yay! More!"

How do you explain that to a Board of Education?

Bush

I'm tired of the new comedian routine where people come out real early in their set and tell the audience that "Bush is such an idiot" or "God, I hate Bush".

It's not that I disagree, it's just that it's tired, used, and everyone already knows it. Hell, there's Republicans in the audience, arms crossed, that hear that and say, "yeah, you're right. So what?"

Hell, it's not even edgy. The big misconception is that you're "on the edge" if you come out against Bush. Hell, if anything, you're just conforming. People believe that there was such a backlash against the Dixie Chicks because of what Maines said. Hell, it wasn't that. People were just pissed off because they were thinking, "what the fuck is country music doing in England?" Goddamnit, if the British star listening to country music, where are we going to get all of our good music from?

They're good sports, though, the British. They gave us the Beatles, Abbey Road and the White Album; Pink Floyd, Dark Side of the Moon and the Wall; Led Zeppelin and the Rolling Stones. They got the Dixie Chicks and Madonna. The fact that the British haven't sent nuclear bombs our way is a surprise to me right now.

Changes

Seriously, though, I made a pact with myself to start changin my life around. After all, I don't want to be remembered as J.P. McDonough: chain smoker, problem drinker, and chronic masturbator. No, I want people to remember me as J.P. McDonough, marathon runner, life of the party, and chronic masturbator.

I'm not kidding, either, I need a good girlfriend or several bad ones, I don't know which. I beat it so frequently that I'm developing carpal-tunnel syndrome.

And the drinking, I'm no Ted Kennedy or nothing, but, God, when you know you have problems when you were the subject of an ABC after-school special, starred in it, received an Academy Award for your performance, only to wake up months later and not even realize you did any of those things. And, damn it, which one of the Olsen Twins did I sleep with? If only I could remember!

I was never a mean drunk, to be sure. I simply became very loud and very talkative, very sociable. In fact, you may have seen me before...on Cops.

So I stopped drinking...a lot. Just like I quit doing drugs...outside of home.

Funny thing is, anytime a celebrity or a member or the Royal Family or a pope appears in public, there's tons of people about to preserve the moment in pictures. God, thank you, that no one was around to snap pictures of me during my moments of extreme drunkeness. I could see it now...EXCLUSIVE: Local doc snapped on top of coffee table licking candles while singing the score to Team America. Pics on page 5. Yeesh.

So many memories...

You know, ten years ago, I had my own little summer of love. I think that in about a three month period, I might have "dated" about a dozen girls. I was working out everyday, I had a six pack of abs, and was frequently naked with someone or another. God, so many memories, so much penicilin.

I had one girl that I dated for about a year after that summer, and we use to sit around and daydream about the silliest shit. We found a place to build a house, in a little town called Strawberry, California. Hey...quit giggling, it was our fucking dream, not yours, and when you're laying around with no clothes on and getting your cock stroked, you'd agree to about anything, too.

Anyway, we dreamed about a house on the western side of the cliff, with floor-to-celing windows so we could watch the sun go down every night (I guess we'd have to get another house on the eastern side if we ever dared to see it come up). We'd be married on an island off the coast of Georgia, all outdoors without formal attire, you know, just natural stuff. Yes, I under the influence of way, way too many stimulants back than. Anyway, we'd have three or four kids, all blonde (you know, cause it makes sense, right? We're in California, after all).

We'd name the kids real beautiful names, too. You know, like Persephone...Hunter...Athena...Frank.

Addiction

Somewhere I heard that smoking was more addictive (addicting?) than crack and heroin combined. I quit smoking, a task that isn't too easy, but it got me wondering...if I can kick the smoking thing, what's keeping me from trying heroin? I mean, if smoking is so bad and I stopped that, hell, let the good times roll! Maybe they have a heroin gum or patch for when I choose to quit that one, too.

Seriously, I'm not going to do heroin. I wouldn't even know where to get any. Don't take any of this too seriously.

Now, I can get my hands on some crack, though. Whoopee!

Magic Little Pill

There's a new pill called varenicline that can help prevent smokers from relapsing and smoking again. Now, scientists claim it can help alcoholics quit drinking, too. Supposedly, this pill can curtail your urge to smoke, to drink, to do drugs, and to gamble, too.

Fuck, if ever there was a drug that made you wish for death, varenicline sounds like the one.

I can hear the ads now: "Are you tired of having fun? Are all your rowdy friends bringing too much joy into your life? Does that thrill of doubling down on an 11 make you too excited? Are you sick of tripping the light fantastic? Now there's hope...it's called varenicline...for those who simply wish to take all the fun out of life."

Shut up and drink already and pass the fucking cards! Geez!

Comedy

I was talking to a guy the other day about all my problems, and he suggested a way I could find an appropriate manner for getting it all out of me.

He said, "you ought to do stand up comedy, because comedy is about pain, you know? And man, I mean, you're fucked up and you've got a shitload of pain, so you oughtta be good at it".

I though about it and said, "you know, Pastor, I think you're right".