pOKER

They say the key to being a good poker player is being able to read other people. I've read a shitload of books, and I still suck at poker. Dostoevsky did not help my poker game.

Produce

I used to work in a produce department, but we never produced shit. We just sold stuff.

Betting

I need to start betting on sports when I go out to Vegas, because I can always predict the score of the games before they begin...it'll always be 0-0.

Disneyland

Someday, I wanna meet the fucker who came up with decaffinated coffee and non-alcoholic beer. We gotta stop him before he takes the nicotine out of cigarettes and the fun out of Disneyland, too.

Summer Jobs

Every time I had to cut the grass when I was a kid, I'd cry. It wasn't because I hated it, it was just because most of our lawn was onion

nEON

I used to have a neon sign in my apartment, but that attracted too many alcoholics. So then I got a lamp. Now I can check IDs.

Bat Boy

The National Enquirer said they found the infamous Bat Boy. You've seen him on pages in your supermarket before, I'm sure. That's a shame they found him, becuase they got him working in Major Leagure Baseball parks all across the nation now. That must really suck for him during the day games, I mean, he's a bat for Christ's Sake, let him at least work in a dome.

Poor and famous

So many people say they wanna be rich and famous, but why doesn't anyone want to be poor and famous? I've met way more of them folks in my time. Like that bum everybody knows on the corner? Everyone knows his name because he's asked em for some money, but I bet you don't even know what your neighbors name is, and he's way more rich than that bum. That bum is poor and famous, and nobody ever tries to blackmail him or take pictures of his secret life. I guess you could be rich and obscure, but what good is that if you ain't got friends to invite over to your mansion or castle or fortress of solitude?

School buses

When I get rich, I'm gonna buy me a school bus, pull up to bus stops, open the doors, and then shut 'em real quick before the kids can get on. That's cruel, you say? Nay, nay. Because them kids won't have to go to school, and they'll be happy. Believe it or not, so will the teachers.

Number two pencils

Kids are always using Number 2 pencils when they take their tests. That builds an inferiority complex in those little kids, man! You're going to take a test today, but you have to use your number 2 pencil, not your number 1. No wonder our kids suck at the SAT! Let 'em use their number one pencils and they'd be fine, but, nope, they gotta use the backup, and we know the backup's never as good as the number 1 man.

Dyslexia

When I was a teacher, I had a kid who had dyslexia. So I bought him a mirror. Problem solved...now let's get some ice cream!

Comps

They say you get free drinks in Vegas, but that's a lie. I lost a hundred dollars and got two drinks out of it...I dont' care where you're at, $50 a drink is pretty damned steep. That's why there's so many hookers in Vegas, cause if you wanna get lucky, you can take your chances on buying her a drink for fifty bucks or get what you want immediately for a hundred.

Blackjack

Whenever I go to Vegas, every time the dealer takes my money she yells at the pit boss how much money I gave her. When I'm losing, I like to buy one chip at a time so that she can yell at her boss more. I think that would make anybody happy, wouldn't you? So start dealing me some blackjacks, goddamnit!!!

Parents

I used to live with my parents. I still do, but I used to, too.

When I was a kid

When I was a kid, my dad used to give me a dollar and tell me that it was a lot of money in his day. When I have a kid, I'm gonna give him a dollar and tell him it wasn't worth shit in my day either. The lesson is the same as my dad's: get the hell out of my house if you want any real money.