Good evening, ladies and gentleman

it's good to be here, wherever I am, I always love it when I'm here.

I figured I'd give stand-up comedy try...I guess that if I get up in front of a group of 30 or so people, speak for ten to fifteen minutes to unreceptive, non-responsive individuals who stare back at me like a dog that's just been shown a card trick, well, I'm pretty much use to it...after all, I'm a public school teacher.

I'd do it, because, like most every other teacher, I realized from day one of my educational career that, as soon as possible, I needed to do something...anything...to get the fuck out of educaiton as fast as humanly possible. I'm not picky...accountant, programmer, pharmacist, male prostitute, pornographic movie set custodian.

No, I kid.

I couldn't possibly be a pharmacist.

Seriously, though, I love my job. Every day is magical. I get to work, teach, lead...by the end of the day, money has "magically" disappeared from my desk, someone magically stuck gum in the pencil sharpener, someone magically flooded the bathrooms, my iPod is magically missing from my car which has also magically been keyed to read "asshole of the month". I swear to God, I teach a bunch of little Copperfields.

A lot of teachers, you know, seem to have a chip on their shoulders about their professions. There's no doubt that we don't get paid very much, but some of these folks have really got the impression that teachers are looked down upon by everyone in the country. There's this urban-legend-internet-hallmark-moment e-mail that goes around about a fictional party where a snooty hostess asks what a teacher makes. Long story short, its some passionate bullshit about how we make a fucking difference, or some shit like that, yadda yadda.

Whatever. I play poker with a wide range of people, so one night I'm sitting there with a proctologist, a funeral director, a coroner, and a guy who works with the criminally insane. When they asked me what I did for a living, and I said "teacher", swear to God, these guys looked like you just waved shit under their noses. It's like, "fuck! Why the hell would you do that?"

We've got some serious problems in education, though, folks, and I think you know what I'm talking about. Yeah, there's way too many female teachers having sex with students. I can barely stand to be in the same room with these fuckers for more than ten minutes, and some of these folks are actually want to get intimate with them. Fuck! Why the hell is this happening? And why am I always the last one on staff to find out that there's some chick who's so sexually frustrated that she'll turn to some shit like that? Trust me, if it's inexperience and immaturity that you crave, I'm your guy. Hell, the average middle schooler has more sex than me, so please, post a bulletin in the teacher's lounge or something. I could save you the trip to jail, for fuck's sake.

Yeah, as you probably guessed, I'm a moderately frustrated human being. I can remember being in college and talking with my friends about what I thought my dream house would be like, you know? You remember doing things like that? Yeah, you know, wishful bullshit. I can still remember thinking I'd have this awesome, round, modern house, floor to ceiling windows around the perimeter, sitting on the side of a mountain where I could watch the sun come up on one side and go down on the other. I'd be there with some beautiful brunette and two healthy little kids, and I'd grow old there with my happy little wife, have friends over until the end of time, get high and just let the happy days roll by...sounds nice right?

Yeah, bullshit. Nowadays I'd be happy for a studio apartment, a pack of cigarettes, and girlfriend who doesn't wholly believe that "it wasn't cheating if it was anal". Christ, I could really use a break!

One more thing...

Squeal like a pig, boy! Weeeee! Weeeee!!!!

An Ode on the Stupidity of Americans

Here's a picture from a distance. Notice that MONSTERPIG doesn't look quite the monster in this picture as in the next few.

Here, they're pictured behind the pig. Notice that in this picture, the pig doesn't look as big as in the next two pictures.

Notice that dad and pig are both BEHIND the pig. See how monster pig has suddenly gotten a lot longer now? It's also not as thick as in the next photo. If you turned the kid sideways, his shoulders would be even with the shoulders of the pig (in other words, when the pig stood up, his shoulders would be just as high as the kid's shoulders. You can try it for yourself with a ruler). Also, how can you track hunt a pig in shorts and a polo shirt? Christ, there's too much wrong with that

Alright...notice a couple of things. This is the photo that's being circulated the most on the internet. Look how much thicker the pig is here than in the preceding photo. Also, if you took the pig as it appears and stood him up on his four legs, then this pig would actually be taller than the kid. I know that the kid is kneeling, but if you consider the height of the kid as he appears in this photo compared to the hog in this photo, a standing pig of this size would be taller than the kid. Since the hog in the preceding picture is an estimated 10'7" and we know that his shoulder height is approximately 4.5', that gives us a ratio of height to length of 1:2.5. The hog pictured in the bottom photo would have stood at 5'5" and would have been nearly 13 feet long.

If you look at the picture of the animal being hoisted by the tractor at the top, the animal is nowhere near being 13 feet long, or 10'7" long. The guy in the tractor has to be close to 6', and he's in the BACKGROUND of the picture, making him smaller in appearance, and if you do a little measurement with a ruler you can figure out the pig is nowhere close to 10' in length.

Ah, how often we demonstrate our abject stupidity as Americans. Far too many people believe in this Hogshit legend. No doubt it's big, but it ain't a half ton animal and it's not the size of Shaquille O'Neil. Here's a critical thinking exercise for you to try.

Look at the pictures again. If this is, indeed, a world record and these people were such little shutterbugs, what picture is mysteriously missing?

How did they know it was 1,050? Apparently, they weighed it somewhere.

Have you come up with the missing link yet? Well, if you're a complete dullard, here's the final question (and an answer, of sorts) to our exercise:

WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE PICTURES OF THE SCALE? WHERE'S THE SCALE? WHERE'S THE NUMBER 1,050 POUNDS FOUND AT, WHO DID IT, WHERE WAS IT RECORDED, AND WHY WASN'T THIS "TROPHY" PARADED AROUND DULL-AS-DOGSHIT ALABAMA TO SPREAD THE LEGEND AND HAVE PLENTY OF WITNESSES TO CONFIRM THE MAGNIFICENT SIZE OF THIS BEAST?

Thanks for playing. We have a lovely home version of our show for you to take back with you.

Former Smokers Proud of New Healthy Lifestyle, Secretly Wish for Death

Raleigh, North Carolina

Global warming.
Nuclear War.
Lightning and meteors.

As sure as the sun rises and sets, we all shall die.

Thanks to constant warnings from leading medical scientists and the Surgeon General of the United States, deaths by smoking are decreasing in the United States and across the world.

For those who have ever had a cigarette before, the bottom line is easy to figure out: you can either do without it, or you're hooked for life. For the latter, quitting smoking becomes a lifelong struggle that few can do with ease. It takes years of patience, alternative cessation methods, and millions of dollars domestically for patches, gums, therapy, and mood-altering drugs like Wellbutrin.

Even after all of that, many still return to their old habits.

"Quitting smoking is easy, I've done it thousands of times" - Mark Twain
For some smokers, the attempts to quit have been numerous and everlasting. Mark Simpson, a 45-year-old marketing manager for a local agriculture concern, is currently trying to quit smoking for what he describes as the "millionth time".

"Yeah, it ain't easy," says Simpson as he smacks on some citrus flavored nicotine gum. "Hell, I've tried the patch, that Wellbutrin stuff, even dipping and snuff and chew, but I always end up a couple weeks later going back to the old Pall Malls".

Simpson is not alone. Nicotine is a more addicting substance than heroine and PlayStation combined, yet is still legal throughout the United States. Many have tried cigarettes in their lifetime, and some have never been able to put the lighter and smoke away.

"The first time I ever took a drag off of a cigarette, I didn't cough or nothing," admits Simpson as he rocks rapidly back and forth in his office chair. "It was awesome. It's the one thing I can do that's just as good each time as it was the first time. There ain't nothing that's like that. Sex, drink, food...it's never as good as the first time, but cigarettes are. Christ, I wish I had one now".
Simpson was later seen next to a gas station lighting up a cigarette.

"If I don't smoke, there's gonna be second hand bullets you have to worry about" - Bill Hicks

The cessation craze has been a recent phenomenon, in light of recent (and incredibly unconstitutional) smoking bans in private and public places. People have known for many years that smoking was bad, but nothing has had quite the effect on smokers as the bans.

"It's like we're subhuman, like scum" admits smoker Steven Grabowski. "Before long, they'll take us out back and shoot us in the (expletive) head".

"Basically, if I want to go anywhere nowadays, I gotta wear a patch or sit there all pissed off throughout dinner. I mean, they've proved that the studies on second-hand smoking were bogus and manipulated, but they're still running with it! My smoke hurts me, not you, so let me kill myself if I want to...it's my (expletive) choice!" said an enraged Grabowski as he lit another Camel.

In a recent study, Americans felt that the air quality they enjoy had become better for them since the smoking bans, despite the fact that the majority of Americans feel that air is worse when it comes to global warming and emissions. An equally perplexing study revealed that most Americans believe that the seasons are caused by the Earth moving closer to the sun and farther away from the sun, despite the fact that seasonal tempearture changes are created by the tilt of the Earth's axis and it's revolution around the sun. Despite the public's misunderstanding of basic, sixth-grade science, the American public overwhelmingly believes that the Earth is headed towards global destructions due to greenhouse emissions and global warming.

"You see why I smoke?" asked a maddened Grabowski.

Some have quit in the name of health

Some, however, have successfully attained the label of "former smoker".

"It's all mental, you basically have to tell yourself that you're done and that's it" Thomas Shaun should know. He kicked the habit two years ago during a summer break as a teacher. "The trick is, you have to avoid those things that caused your cravings and stay away as long as possible. You go back tell your friends that you have to avoid the temptation, all your smoker friends need to do ti somehere else, you know...basically annoying the crap out of everyone".

Success doesn't come without temptation, however.

"You know how you can smell some really good barbecue or steak or chicken somewhere, and your mouth waters and you just can't resist it or wait...you've gotta have one. Same with smokers...I can still smell a cigarette today and want one so damned bad. There's times I'd kill a minister to get a drag off of a cigarette, but, after a couple of days, it passes. Until it passes, you're one pissed off human being" admits Shaun.

Despite the pressures and temptations, the improved health conditions are a bonus for ex-smokers. "Yeah, I can walk a flight of stairs nowadays without losing my breath. I can run some, too. Is it worth it? F(expletive) no. I'm waiting for the Surgeon General to annouce that it's all untrue, that people died from exposure to asbestos or something rather than the smoking. If he did, swear to God I'd smoke from sunup to sundown, 24/7 everyday for the rest of my goddamned life. Christ, I miss smoking so damned much, and anyone who has quit will tell you the same. F(expletive) the Surgeon General. If this is what quitting smoking is good for, I'd rather be dead".

That Last Post was Probably Too Deep

And dark for this side of my posts, but it's worth hearing anyway. If you think it's dark, too bad. It's absolutely positive. There's a way we can all live happily ever after, and it's not a hard accomplishment if you concentrated on it!

When the Tigers Broke Free

Vonnegut once protested against Veteran's Day. I understood immediately why he did, but I also understood immediately why no one else did.

I tried explaining this to the kids today, and they looked at me with bewildering expressions. They seemed to think that I hated Veterans.

You see, the First World War ended with the Treaty of Versailles. This signing of the Treaty was supposed to mark the end of all wars (you know, the war to end all wars). The day of the Treaty was forever to be remembered as Armistice Day on November 11th. You've probably heard the grade school mnemonic, "on the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month". It was signed on November 11, 1918 at 11 am. Many parts of the world still observed two minutes of silence on 11/11 at 11 am of each year, in memory of the 8 million who died in WWI.

After WWII, the day was changed to Veteran's Day. This is a major change, if you can read and detect the difference. Rather than a day where we recognize the end of wars (the technology in warfare, such as the machine gun and mustard gas, were supposed to prove the futility of warfare, thus ending wars...amazingly enough, no one learned even after Hiroshima and Nagasaki!) we now recognize a day that confirms that mankind will never cease killing each other. We couldn't have a Veteran's Day unless we have Veterans, and no veteran can exist without war. Rather than saying we'll see an end to all war, we're admitting that we'll probably be in war until the end of time.

Everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt. Right, Kurt?

We should, in all honesty, observe Politician Day. Lawyer Day. Until those two participants in the circle of life come to an end, we'll never see an end to war.

At the very least, it would be a step in the right direction towards creating Armistice Day again.

Imagine all the people, John.

And now, from Woody Allen...

From Annie Hall...

Singer: I'm so tired spending evenings making fake insights with people who work for "Dysentery".

Robin: That's "Commentary".

Singer: Oh really? I had heard that "Commentary" and "Dissent" had merged and formed "Dysentery".