Good evening, ladies and gentleman

it's good to be here, wherever I am, I always love it when I'm here.

I figured I'd give stand-up comedy try...I guess that if I get up in front of a group of 30 or so people, speak for ten to fifteen minutes to unreceptive, non-responsive individuals who stare back at me like a dog that's just been shown a card trick, well, I'm pretty much use to it...after all, I'm a public school teacher.

I'd do it, because, like most every other teacher, I realized from day one of my educational career that, as soon as possible, I needed to do something...anything...to get the fuck out of educaiton as fast as humanly possible. I'm not picky...accountant, programmer, pharmacist, male prostitute, pornographic movie set custodian.

No, I kid.

I couldn't possibly be a pharmacist.

Seriously, though, I love my job. Every day is magical. I get to work, teach, lead...by the end of the day, money has "magically" disappeared from my desk, someone magically stuck gum in the pencil sharpener, someone magically flooded the bathrooms, my iPod is magically missing from my car which has also magically been keyed to read "asshole of the month". I swear to God, I teach a bunch of little Copperfields.

A lot of teachers, you know, seem to have a chip on their shoulders about their professions. There's no doubt that we don't get paid very much, but some of these folks have really got the impression that teachers are looked down upon by everyone in the country. There's this urban-legend-internet-hallmark-moment e-mail that goes around about a fictional party where a snooty hostess asks what a teacher makes. Long story short, its some passionate bullshit about how we make a fucking difference, or some shit like that, yadda yadda.

Whatever. I play poker with a wide range of people, so one night I'm sitting there with a proctologist, a funeral director, a coroner, and a guy who works with the criminally insane. When they asked me what I did for a living, and I said "teacher", swear to God, these guys looked like you just waved shit under their noses. It's like, "fuck! Why the hell would you do that?"

We've got some serious problems in education, though, folks, and I think you know what I'm talking about. Yeah, there's way too many female teachers having sex with students. I can barely stand to be in the same room with these fuckers for more than ten minutes, and some of these folks are actually want to get intimate with them. Fuck! Why the hell is this happening? And why am I always the last one on staff to find out that there's some chick who's so sexually frustrated that she'll turn to some shit like that? Trust me, if it's inexperience and immaturity that you crave, I'm your guy. Hell, the average middle schooler has more sex than me, so please, post a bulletin in the teacher's lounge or something. I could save you the trip to jail, for fuck's sake.

Yeah, as you probably guessed, I'm a moderately frustrated human being. I can remember being in college and talking with my friends about what I thought my dream house would be like, you know? You remember doing things like that? Yeah, you know, wishful bullshit. I can still remember thinking I'd have this awesome, round, modern house, floor to ceiling windows around the perimeter, sitting on the side of a mountain where I could watch the sun come up on one side and go down on the other. I'd be there with some beautiful brunette and two healthy little kids, and I'd grow old there with my happy little wife, have friends over until the end of time, get high and just let the happy days roll by...sounds nice right?

Yeah, bullshit. Nowadays I'd be happy for a studio apartment, a pack of cigarettes, and girlfriend who doesn't wholly believe that "it wasn't cheating if it was anal". Christ, I could really use a break!