Former Smokers Proud of New Healthy Lifestyle, Secretly Wish for Death

Raleigh, North Carolina

Global warming.
Nuclear War.
Lightning and meteors.

As sure as the sun rises and sets, we all shall die.

Thanks to constant warnings from leading medical scientists and the Surgeon General of the United States, deaths by smoking are decreasing in the United States and across the world.

For those who have ever had a cigarette before, the bottom line is easy to figure out: you can either do without it, or you're hooked for life. For the latter, quitting smoking becomes a lifelong struggle that few can do with ease. It takes years of patience, alternative cessation methods, and millions of dollars domestically for patches, gums, therapy, and mood-altering drugs like Wellbutrin.

Even after all of that, many still return to their old habits.

"Quitting smoking is easy, I've done it thousands of times" - Mark Twain
For some smokers, the attempts to quit have been numerous and everlasting. Mark Simpson, a 45-year-old marketing manager for a local agriculture concern, is currently trying to quit smoking for what he describes as the "millionth time".

"Yeah, it ain't easy," says Simpson as he smacks on some citrus flavored nicotine gum. "Hell, I've tried the patch, that Wellbutrin stuff, even dipping and snuff and chew, but I always end up a couple weeks later going back to the old Pall Malls".

Simpson is not alone. Nicotine is a more addicting substance than heroine and PlayStation combined, yet is still legal throughout the United States. Many have tried cigarettes in their lifetime, and some have never been able to put the lighter and smoke away.

"The first time I ever took a drag off of a cigarette, I didn't cough or nothing," admits Simpson as he rocks rapidly back and forth in his office chair. "It was awesome. It's the one thing I can do that's just as good each time as it was the first time. There ain't nothing that's like that. Sex, drink, food...it's never as good as the first time, but cigarettes are. Christ, I wish I had one now".
Simpson was later seen next to a gas station lighting up a cigarette.

"If I don't smoke, there's gonna be second hand bullets you have to worry about" - Bill Hicks

The cessation craze has been a recent phenomenon, in light of recent (and incredibly unconstitutional) smoking bans in private and public places. People have known for many years that smoking was bad, but nothing has had quite the effect on smokers as the bans.

"It's like we're subhuman, like scum" admits smoker Steven Grabowski. "Before long, they'll take us out back and shoot us in the (expletive) head".

"Basically, if I want to go anywhere nowadays, I gotta wear a patch or sit there all pissed off throughout dinner. I mean, they've proved that the studies on second-hand smoking were bogus and manipulated, but they're still running with it! My smoke hurts me, not you, so let me kill myself if I want to...it's my (expletive) choice!" said an enraged Grabowski as he lit another Camel.

In a recent study, Americans felt that the air quality they enjoy had become better for them since the smoking bans, despite the fact that the majority of Americans feel that air is worse when it comes to global warming and emissions. An equally perplexing study revealed that most Americans believe that the seasons are caused by the Earth moving closer to the sun and farther away from the sun, despite the fact that seasonal tempearture changes are created by the tilt of the Earth's axis and it's revolution around the sun. Despite the public's misunderstanding of basic, sixth-grade science, the American public overwhelmingly believes that the Earth is headed towards global destructions due to greenhouse emissions and global warming.

"You see why I smoke?" asked a maddened Grabowski.

Some have quit in the name of health

Some, however, have successfully attained the label of "former smoker".

"It's all mental, you basically have to tell yourself that you're done and that's it" Thomas Shaun should know. He kicked the habit two years ago during a summer break as a teacher. "The trick is, you have to avoid those things that caused your cravings and stay away as long as possible. You go back tell your friends that you have to avoid the temptation, all your smoker friends need to do ti somehere else, you know...basically annoying the crap out of everyone".

Success doesn't come without temptation, however.

"You know how you can smell some really good barbecue or steak or chicken somewhere, and your mouth waters and you just can't resist it or wait...you've gotta have one. Same with smokers...I can still smell a cigarette today and want one so damned bad. There's times I'd kill a minister to get a drag off of a cigarette, but, after a couple of days, it passes. Until it passes, you're one pissed off human being" admits Shaun.

Despite the pressures and temptations, the improved health conditions are a bonus for ex-smokers. "Yeah, I can walk a flight of stairs nowadays without losing my breath. I can run some, too. Is it worth it? F(expletive) no. I'm waiting for the Surgeon General to annouce that it's all untrue, that people died from exposure to asbestos or something rather than the smoking. If he did, swear to God I'd smoke from sunup to sundown, 24/7 everyday for the rest of my goddamned life. Christ, I miss smoking so damned much, and anyone who has quit will tell you the same. F(expletive) the Surgeon General. If this is what quitting smoking is good for, I'd rather be dead".