"Down South there's a lot of opossums, but I bet I know something about the opossum that Southerners don't. Did you know the opossum is from Ireland? That's right...if you look at the way the word is spelled it's really O'Possum, but, see, the opossum came to America and had a lot of prejudice against him, so he said, fuck that, I'm going to be "possum" instead. I think it's time we embraced the opossum's rich cultural heritage, don't you? "It's St. Paddy's day, top o the mornin' to ya, Mr. O'Possum. You can finally be proud of yourself!" Either that, or drop the goddamned O, because spelling bee contestants all over America are getting fucked on that word.
Honestly, I don't even know how the opossum got to America, cause they seem to have a great difficulty in just getting to the other side of the road. Every mile of country road in the south is littered with dead opossums. I think if I were a opossum, I'd just pick a side of the road to call my own, and if I had a little opossum kid, I'd always be like, "Hey, where do you think you're going?" and he'd be all like "I'm going to Jimmy's to play ball". "Does he live on the other side of the road?" "Nope". "All right, then". But if something's on the other side of the road, fuck it, I'll find a place to get it in on my side. Either that, or I'd wear sunglasses, because the O'Possum seems to always get caught in the headlights.
Seriously, though, if I had to be an animal down south, I'd be a squirrel, because squirrels eat nuts and I like nuts myself. Oh, there's no joke in that, that's just a fact. Squirrels eat nuts. What, I can't drop a little truthful education on you? Didn't I start that off with, "seriosuly though"? That's your cue to get serious for a minute. "Hey, let's all listen to Mitch, he's got something serious to talk about".
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Hookers on Da Point
Narrator (some black guy, deep throated with a slight lisp): As the sun sets and the night falls, we meet our first lady of the night. Meet Mercedes, a hot little mamacita that, as all her best clients like to call her, is “el rey de Burgers” or the “Burger King” to you and me…because with this little Puerto Rican, you can have it your way…
Mercedes: “I mean, you gotta do what you gotta do you know? Hey, man, trickin’ ain’t easy, you know what I sayin’? I mean, you get some of dese guys, dey be all like, ‘oh, yeah, baby, I gonna fuck you like you ain’t nevah been fucked before’ and I be all like, ‘whatevah!’ you know? I mean, I seen shit, alright? You got some of these guys they want all sorts of kinky shit, so I gots to deliver, right? Shit, I mean, I do anyting for a dollar? I mean, I’ll do oral, I do anal, I do manual, automatic, stick shift, I do regular, I do unleaded, I do decaf if the price be right. You gotta be ready to do it all, you know? I mean, I’m versatile, right? It ain’t no different from any other job, just you know you screwed when you go to this job everyday, man.”
Narrator: As we round the corner, we see a new face to the Point, Tammy. Tammy’s new to the street but she’s no stranger to hard times. Tammy rocks it for the rock, if you know what I mean.
Tammy: (Smiling) Yeah, it’s okay. Some days be bad, right. Like the other night, this guy totally beat the shit out of me, but my pimp, Clarabell, he like take care of me and shit. He yanks me by my hair and is like, ‘baby, you know you ain’t shit without me’…and he right! I ain’t shit, unless I get my fix. I don’t do this because I like it or nothing’, I just gotta ho’ so I can get my blow, you know? Hey that rhymes! I’m like some Walt Disney Whitman’s sampler or some shit. Got-DAMN! I gotta tell Clarabell that one, yo. That totally funny. (narrator: So you do this for the drugs, is that what you’re saying?) Yeah, man, what the fuck you think I do this for? Dental plan? Shit man, I got no teeth, fucker. Shit, that’s a resume builder for me, you know? Under job skills, that’s one of them, man, you know, a Whistler’s Mother? That’s a gum job, yo. You know some ho’s, they call theys shit something else, like a Whistler’s Mother to some other ho’s is called a Wrigley’s or a Hubba Bubba…
Narrator: And speaking of colloquialisms, we turn our ears back to Mercedes, who’s whetting our appetites with her tales of baudy jobs…
Narrator (TO MERCEDES) So, do you do a gum job?
Mercedes: Oh, shit, yeah, man! Look at this (removing dentures) …see, that’s a skill, man. Again, man, you have it your way, man. You wanna hand job, baby, I do that. I do hand jobs, blow jobs, gum jobs, I do a Big League Chew, I do Hubba Bubba, Bubblicious, and a oral Orbit if da money’s right, I do foot jobs, knee jobs, neck jobs, back jobs, Steve Jobs, temp jobs, odd jobs, job searches, dirty jobs, job quest, job jobs, I do toe jobs, ass jobs, tit jobs, gobstoppers, everlasting gobstoppers…
Narrator: Now meet Dussty, and little white trash momma that just hit the point, and we just so happened to catch her on her second night on the Point.
Dussty: Yeah, the first one’s always the hardest, at least, I hope it is, ‘cause that wasn’t no fun, I’m for reals, yo. I mean, that guy, he just wouldn’t come, man, and I’m all like, look man, you got five minutes and we gotta be done with this, right? I mean, it ain’t not Domino’s Pizza, fucker! You ain’t getting this shit after 30 minutes for free, that shit’s gonna cost you extra.
Narrator, to Dussty: Did you like it? Was it really that hard?
Dussty: Man, you know what sucks about this job? You fuck for a living…you, I mean, you, man, you fuck for fun, but I fuck for a job. You like gettin’ up in the morning and going to your job? Maaaan, fuck you don’t. I gotta get up go do what I use to do for fun for a fuckin job, and just like any job you get sick of fuckin’ after a while. You just get like, man, can’t you just knock me the fuck out so I ain’t gotta work no more tonight? I don’t give a fuck, just leave me the fuckin’ money, yo. So you answer that question, you think I fuckin’ like it? Yeah, fuck I did. It still beats teachin’ and shit, you know? I mean, they gotta get all dressed up all uptight an’ shit and deal with my fuckin’ kids all day, and they be callin’ me and sayin’
Narrator: You mean you got children?
Dussty: Nigga, you fuckin’ death or sumpin’? What the fuck I just say? Yeah I got kids, and them teachers, they be all like, ‘yo chile gonna fail and shit, why not you read to him at night, he read on a third grade level’ and I be like, ‘bitch he in the eighth grade, what the fuck I gonna read to him? You see any babysittin’ out here? Shit, only thing he gonna learn out here is how to pimp, and he already pimpin’ on a twelth grade level, so only thing he need to read is the numbers on the dollar bills, cause he a little pimp daddy. Readin’! Shit, that ain’t done no one no fuckin good no how.
Narrator: Speaking of reading, Mercedes reads us a list of famous people that she’s tricked with in her days as a ho.
Narrator: (to Mercedes) Have you ever tricked any famous Johns?
Merecedes: You mean outside the Kennedys? Yeah, nigga, I done fucked ‘em all. Last night, I fucked Al Pacino. Shit, he got the scent of this woman all up and down his “hoo-haa’in” ass, you know what I’m sayin’. That crazy fuck, he like showers and shit, and I ain’t talkin’ about a Brita or nothin’ either. He kinky, but they all weird…if they famous, they fucked up is all I know. Yeah, I did Al, and I did Eddie, to. One night I did Danny Bodaduci, I mean, I fucked Danny and he like it, but only if I strap on a pink cock, he no like that black dick or nothin’. He nice, though, he real polite, like when he kick the shit out of me, he actually cried when he do it. Most guys just laugh, he cry. Yeah, one night, I did Ben Affleck in his latino days, and I did his friend Matt Damon, too.
Narrator: Anyone else?
Merecedes: Yeah, I do Ben Affleck, Ben Roethlisberger, David Lee Roth, Bruce Lee, Jet Li, Joan Jett and the Blackhearts, Jack Black, Black Beauty, Beauty and the Beast, David Best, David Duchovny, Donald Duck, Donald Trump, Sam Donaldson, Sammy Davis, Jr., Carl’s, Jr., Carl Sandberg, David Berg, Iceberg, Vanilla Ice, Milli Vanilli, Milton Berle, Milton Bradley, Million Man March, Michael Mann, Jan Michael Vincent, Vincent Price, Vince Vaughn, Sommerset Maughm, Suzanne Sommers, Summer of Sam, Woody Allen, Woody Woodpecker, Woody Harrelson, Ed Wood, Ed Bradley, Special Ed, Department of Ed, Phys Ed, Phyllis Diller, Phil Silver, Long John Silver, Captain Crunch, Captain and Tennille, Captain Kirk, Kirk Cameron, James Cameron, Rick James, Jesse James, James Brown, Jackson Browne, Michael Jackson, the Jackson Five, the Jackson Four, Jesse Jackson, Jesse’s Girl, Bill Clinton, George Clinton, George Bush, Busch Light, Anheiseur Busch, Busch Gardens, Garden of Eatin’, Guido Gardens, Father Guido Sarducci…
Narrator: As Mercedes goes on, we go back to Dussty, who remembers doing anything to get her son out of school.
Dussty: So like, dis teacher call one day and he be all like, ‘yo son gonna get hell back in fif’ grade’ so I be like, is there some way we can make up his grade an shit? The teacher say, come on in for a confrontations or some shit like dat, so I know what that mean…he think he gonna get a piece for free cause I love my chile, right? So I go in there with my crotchless panties on and he be talking about CRCP or C3PO or some shit and I like ‘so we gonna fuck or what’ and he get all red da face and is like ‘I think we gotta misunderstanding’ and I’m like, “shit, yeah, we gotta misunderstanding, fuckface!’ We gonna fuck right here, so I lif; up my skirt and he see my pussy an all an he just freak the fuck out, and I’m like ‘what, choo ain’t see no pussy before in yo life’ and be all like ‘lady, they’s still kids in this classroom’ and I’m like, yeah they seen pussy before, where you think they come from, ‘we gonna do this or what?’ That was the second time I went to jail. Shit, I ain’t sent my kid back to no Christian academcy ever again after that one. Shit, I fuck a lot of people, but I only trick one teacher. He wanted to be all sensitive and shit and he wanna talk and ask me how I’s doin’ and how can he help me get off da streets and I’m just like ‘whatevah, whatevah’ and then he try readin’ some shit to me. Can you believe dat shit? Readin’…I ain’t got no got-damned time to be readin’. Fuck, man we gonna trick or what? This ain’t no Halloween shit, I ain’t lookin for no treat. I just trick, and trickin’ ain’t easy, but, you know, I do anything for a dollar…
Narrator: And speaking of anything for a dollar, Ms. Burger Kind continues to list he impressive array of abilities…
Narrator: What’s the kinkiest thing a John’s ever asked you to do?
Mercedes: Shit, man, you getting’ into semantics and shit now. Yeah, that right, I know what semantics be, I ain’t stoopid! Semantics is like gymnastics but with fuckin’, right? Anyway, ain’t nothin’ kinky once you turned you first trick, but one guy, he like dressin’ up like a woman and he make me go shoppin’ and shit with him down at the Publix. When we get through shoppin’, he makin’ me wear a suit and make me beat the fuck outta him, and I step on his balls while I do it, and he, you know, he like it and he cum all over himself and shit and then I make him clean it up with yellow gloves. I call that the June Cleaver, you know, like that president? Yeah, I do a June Cleaver, and Cleveland Steamer, a Boston Brown, a Boston Baked Bean, a Chicago Cub, and New York Minute, a Moon Over Miami, a Fort Lauderdale Fuck, a Juneau Jimmy Job, a Bismarck Blowjob, a Frankfort fucker, a Montgomery massage, a Tallahassee salad toss, a Texas two-step, an achy-breaky heart, a Jefferson City job, an Olympia oral, an Albany anal, a Carson City canine, a Sacramento Suck, a Salem slider, a Oklahoma City open faced sandwich, a Jackson jawbreaker, a Baton Rouge buttfuck, a Golden Shower, a Golden Gate Bridge (that a golden shower, but I smoke and blow it down so it look foggy an shit, right?), a Grand Canyon, if da money’s right, I do Mount Rushmore (that a quicky fuck, horsey style) a Fertile Crescent, a Crescent Fresh, a Pakistani Pump, an Eiffel Tower, a Leanin’ Tower of Piece (I lean against a wall and you do me speakin Italian), a Louvre, a Sun City Slammer, a Rio De Janeiro rim job, a Canadian Shield, a Siberian slide, a Vietnam Vicky, and Hanoi Hanna, an Ozone Layer, a permafrost pump, a Houston Astro, around the world, around the moon, around the sun, Walt Disney World, a Wide World of Sports, a world of difference, space docking, space camp, a rusty trombone, a pink piccolo, a fat tuba, a timpani tap, an ivory tickle, s & m, bds&m, m&m, 3m, 9mm, mm-mm-good…I do a brown shower, a golden shower, a bridal shower, a baby shower, and shower to shower, a white shower, a white christmas, and I even do a white guy sometimes, too. Shit, man, it ain’t easy, but I do anyting for a dollar, man. Anyting you want, man.
Mercedes: “I mean, you gotta do what you gotta do you know? Hey, man, trickin’ ain’t easy, you know what I sayin’? I mean, you get some of dese guys, dey be all like, ‘oh, yeah, baby, I gonna fuck you like you ain’t nevah been fucked before’ and I be all like, ‘whatevah!’ you know? I mean, I seen shit, alright? You got some of these guys they want all sorts of kinky shit, so I gots to deliver, right? Shit, I mean, I do anyting for a dollar? I mean, I’ll do oral, I do anal, I do manual, automatic, stick shift, I do regular, I do unleaded, I do decaf if the price be right. You gotta be ready to do it all, you know? I mean, I’m versatile, right? It ain’t no different from any other job, just you know you screwed when you go to this job everyday, man.”
Narrator: As we round the corner, we see a new face to the Point, Tammy. Tammy’s new to the street but she’s no stranger to hard times. Tammy rocks it for the rock, if you know what I mean.
Tammy: (Smiling) Yeah, it’s okay. Some days be bad, right. Like the other night, this guy totally beat the shit out of me, but my pimp, Clarabell, he like take care of me and shit. He yanks me by my hair and is like, ‘baby, you know you ain’t shit without me’…and he right! I ain’t shit, unless I get my fix. I don’t do this because I like it or nothing’, I just gotta ho’ so I can get my blow, you know? Hey that rhymes! I’m like some Walt Disney Whitman’s sampler or some shit. Got-DAMN! I gotta tell Clarabell that one, yo. That totally funny. (narrator: So you do this for the drugs, is that what you’re saying?) Yeah, man, what the fuck you think I do this for? Dental plan? Shit man, I got no teeth, fucker. Shit, that’s a resume builder for me, you know? Under job skills, that’s one of them, man, you know, a Whistler’s Mother? That’s a gum job, yo. You know some ho’s, they call theys shit something else, like a Whistler’s Mother to some other ho’s is called a Wrigley’s or a Hubba Bubba…
Narrator: And speaking of colloquialisms, we turn our ears back to Mercedes, who’s whetting our appetites with her tales of baudy jobs…
Narrator (TO MERCEDES) So, do you do a gum job?
Mercedes: Oh, shit, yeah, man! Look at this (removing dentures) …see, that’s a skill, man. Again, man, you have it your way, man. You wanna hand job, baby, I do that. I do hand jobs, blow jobs, gum jobs, I do a Big League Chew, I do Hubba Bubba, Bubblicious, and a oral Orbit if da money’s right, I do foot jobs, knee jobs, neck jobs, back jobs, Steve Jobs, temp jobs, odd jobs, job searches, dirty jobs, job quest, job jobs, I do toe jobs, ass jobs, tit jobs, gobstoppers, everlasting gobstoppers…
Narrator: Now meet Dussty, and little white trash momma that just hit the point, and we just so happened to catch her on her second night on the Point.
Dussty: Yeah, the first one’s always the hardest, at least, I hope it is, ‘cause that wasn’t no fun, I’m for reals, yo. I mean, that guy, he just wouldn’t come, man, and I’m all like, look man, you got five minutes and we gotta be done with this, right? I mean, it ain’t not Domino’s Pizza, fucker! You ain’t getting this shit after 30 minutes for free, that shit’s gonna cost you extra.
Narrator, to Dussty: Did you like it? Was it really that hard?
Dussty: Man, you know what sucks about this job? You fuck for a living…you, I mean, you, man, you fuck for fun, but I fuck for a job. You like gettin’ up in the morning and going to your job? Maaaan, fuck you don’t. I gotta get up go do what I use to do for fun for a fuckin job, and just like any job you get sick of fuckin’ after a while. You just get like, man, can’t you just knock me the fuck out so I ain’t gotta work no more tonight? I don’t give a fuck, just leave me the fuckin’ money, yo. So you answer that question, you think I fuckin’ like it? Yeah, fuck I did. It still beats teachin’ and shit, you know? I mean, they gotta get all dressed up all uptight an’ shit and deal with my fuckin’ kids all day, and they be callin’ me and sayin’
Narrator: You mean you got children?
Dussty: Nigga, you fuckin’ death or sumpin’? What the fuck I just say? Yeah I got kids, and them teachers, they be all like, ‘yo chile gonna fail and shit, why not you read to him at night, he read on a third grade level’ and I be like, ‘bitch he in the eighth grade, what the fuck I gonna read to him? You see any babysittin’ out here? Shit, only thing he gonna learn out here is how to pimp, and he already pimpin’ on a twelth grade level, so only thing he need to read is the numbers on the dollar bills, cause he a little pimp daddy. Readin’! Shit, that ain’t done no one no fuckin good no how.
Narrator: Speaking of reading, Mercedes reads us a list of famous people that she’s tricked with in her days as a ho.
Narrator: (to Mercedes) Have you ever tricked any famous Johns?
Merecedes: You mean outside the Kennedys? Yeah, nigga, I done fucked ‘em all. Last night, I fucked Al Pacino. Shit, he got the scent of this woman all up and down his “hoo-haa’in” ass, you know what I’m sayin’. That crazy fuck, he like showers and shit, and I ain’t talkin’ about a Brita or nothin’ either. He kinky, but they all weird…if they famous, they fucked up is all I know. Yeah, I did Al, and I did Eddie, to. One night I did Danny Bodaduci, I mean, I fucked Danny and he like it, but only if I strap on a pink cock, he no like that black dick or nothin’. He nice, though, he real polite, like when he kick the shit out of me, he actually cried when he do it. Most guys just laugh, he cry. Yeah, one night, I did Ben Affleck in his latino days, and I did his friend Matt Damon, too.
Narrator: Anyone else?
Merecedes: Yeah, I do Ben Affleck, Ben Roethlisberger, David Lee Roth, Bruce Lee, Jet Li, Joan Jett and the Blackhearts, Jack Black, Black Beauty, Beauty and the Beast, David Best, David Duchovny, Donald Duck, Donald Trump, Sam Donaldson, Sammy Davis, Jr., Carl’s, Jr., Carl Sandberg, David Berg, Iceberg, Vanilla Ice, Milli Vanilli, Milton Berle, Milton Bradley, Million Man March, Michael Mann, Jan Michael Vincent, Vincent Price, Vince Vaughn, Sommerset Maughm, Suzanne Sommers, Summer of Sam, Woody Allen, Woody Woodpecker, Woody Harrelson, Ed Wood, Ed Bradley, Special Ed, Department of Ed, Phys Ed, Phyllis Diller, Phil Silver, Long John Silver, Captain Crunch, Captain and Tennille, Captain Kirk, Kirk Cameron, James Cameron, Rick James, Jesse James, James Brown, Jackson Browne, Michael Jackson, the Jackson Five, the Jackson Four, Jesse Jackson, Jesse’s Girl, Bill Clinton, George Clinton, George Bush, Busch Light, Anheiseur Busch, Busch Gardens, Garden of Eatin’, Guido Gardens, Father Guido Sarducci…
Narrator: As Mercedes goes on, we go back to Dussty, who remembers doing anything to get her son out of school.
Dussty: So like, dis teacher call one day and he be all like, ‘yo son gonna get hell back in fif’ grade’ so I be like, is there some way we can make up his grade an shit? The teacher say, come on in for a confrontations or some shit like dat, so I know what that mean…he think he gonna get a piece for free cause I love my chile, right? So I go in there with my crotchless panties on and he be talking about CRCP or C3PO or some shit and I like ‘so we gonna fuck or what’ and he get all red da face and is like ‘I think we gotta misunderstanding’ and I’m like, “shit, yeah, we gotta misunderstanding, fuckface!’ We gonna fuck right here, so I lif; up my skirt and he see my pussy an all an he just freak the fuck out, and I’m like ‘what, choo ain’t see no pussy before in yo life’ and be all like ‘lady, they’s still kids in this classroom’ and I’m like, yeah they seen pussy before, where you think they come from, ‘we gonna do this or what?’ That was the second time I went to jail. Shit, I ain’t sent my kid back to no Christian academcy ever again after that one. Shit, I fuck a lot of people, but I only trick one teacher. He wanted to be all sensitive and shit and he wanna talk and ask me how I’s doin’ and how can he help me get off da streets and I’m just like ‘whatevah, whatevah’ and then he try readin’ some shit to me. Can you believe dat shit? Readin’…I ain’t got no got-damned time to be readin’. Fuck, man we gonna trick or what? This ain’t no Halloween shit, I ain’t lookin for no treat. I just trick, and trickin’ ain’t easy, but, you know, I do anything for a dollar…
Narrator: And speaking of anything for a dollar, Ms. Burger Kind continues to list he impressive array of abilities…
Narrator: What’s the kinkiest thing a John’s ever asked you to do?
Mercedes: Shit, man, you getting’ into semantics and shit now. Yeah, that right, I know what semantics be, I ain’t stoopid! Semantics is like gymnastics but with fuckin’, right? Anyway, ain’t nothin’ kinky once you turned you first trick, but one guy, he like dressin’ up like a woman and he make me go shoppin’ and shit with him down at the Publix. When we get through shoppin’, he makin’ me wear a suit and make me beat the fuck outta him, and I step on his balls while I do it, and he, you know, he like it and he cum all over himself and shit and then I make him clean it up with yellow gloves. I call that the June Cleaver, you know, like that president? Yeah, I do a June Cleaver, and Cleveland Steamer, a Boston Brown, a Boston Baked Bean, a Chicago Cub, and New York Minute, a Moon Over Miami, a Fort Lauderdale Fuck, a Juneau Jimmy Job, a Bismarck Blowjob, a Frankfort fucker, a Montgomery massage, a Tallahassee salad toss, a Texas two-step, an achy-breaky heart, a Jefferson City job, an Olympia oral, an Albany anal, a Carson City canine, a Sacramento Suck, a Salem slider, a Oklahoma City open faced sandwich, a Jackson jawbreaker, a Baton Rouge buttfuck, a Golden Shower, a Golden Gate Bridge (that a golden shower, but I smoke and blow it down so it look foggy an shit, right?), a Grand Canyon, if da money’s right, I do Mount Rushmore (that a quicky fuck, horsey style) a Fertile Crescent, a Crescent Fresh, a Pakistani Pump, an Eiffel Tower, a Leanin’ Tower of Piece (I lean against a wall and you do me speakin Italian), a Louvre, a Sun City Slammer, a Rio De Janeiro rim job, a Canadian Shield, a Siberian slide, a Vietnam Vicky, and Hanoi Hanna, an Ozone Layer, a permafrost pump, a Houston Astro, around the world, around the moon, around the sun, Walt Disney World, a Wide World of Sports, a world of difference, space docking, space camp, a rusty trombone, a pink piccolo, a fat tuba, a timpani tap, an ivory tickle, s & m, bds&m, m&m, 3m, 9mm, mm-mm-good…I do a brown shower, a golden shower, a bridal shower, a baby shower, and shower to shower, a white shower, a white christmas, and I even do a white guy sometimes, too. Shit, man, it ain’t easy, but I do anyting for a dollar, man. Anyting you want, man.
I want to redefine myself...
I'm really on a health kick lately, running and dieting and exercising as much as I can. So far, it's been successful, as I've lost five pounds in a week.
Essentially, I'd like to redefine myself. I'd like to transmogrify my current reputation as a psychotic, binge-eating, and chronicly masturbating problem drinker, into a marathon-running, health food guru, and social drinking chronic masturbator.
Essentially, I'd like to redefine myself. I'd like to transmogrify my current reputation as a psychotic, binge-eating, and chronicly masturbating problem drinker, into a marathon-running, health food guru, and social drinking chronic masturbator.
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