Opossums

"Down South there's a lot of opossums, but I bet I know something about the opossum that Southerners don't. Did you know the opossum is from Ireland? That's right...if you look at the way the word is spelled it's really O'Possum, but, see, the opossum came to America and had a lot of prejudice against him, so he said, fuck that, I'm going to be "possum" instead. I think it's time we embraced the opossum's rich cultural heritage, don't you? "It's St. Paddy's day, top o the mornin' to ya, Mr. O'Possum. You can finally be proud of yourself!" Either that, or drop the goddamned O, because spelling bee contestants all over America are getting fucked on that word.

Honestly, I don't even know how the opossum got to America, cause they seem to have a great difficulty in just getting to the other side of the road. Every mile of country road in the south is littered with dead opossums. I think if I were a opossum, I'd just pick a side of the road to call my own, and if I had a little opossum kid, I'd always be like, "Hey, where do you think you're going?" and he'd be all like "I'm going to Jimmy's to play ball". "Does he live on the other side of the road?" "Nope". "All right, then". But if something's on the other side of the road, fuck it, I'll find a place to get it in on my side. Either that, or I'd wear sunglasses, because the O'Possum seems to always get caught in the headlights.

Seriously, though, if I had to be an animal down south, I'd be a squirrel, because squirrels eat nuts and I like nuts myself. Oh, there's no joke in that, that's just a fact. Squirrels eat nuts. What, I can't drop a little truthful education on you? Didn't I start that off with, "seriosuly though"? That's your cue to get serious for a minute. "Hey, let's all listen to Mitch, he's got something serious to talk about".