pOKER

They say the key to being a good poker player is being able to read other people. I've read a shitload of books, and I still suck at poker. Dostoevsky did not help my poker game.

Produce

I used to work in a produce department, but we never produced shit. We just sold stuff.

Betting

I need to start betting on sports when I go out to Vegas, because I can always predict the score of the games before they begin...it'll always be 0-0.

Disneyland

Someday, I wanna meet the fucker who came up with decaffinated coffee and non-alcoholic beer. We gotta stop him before he takes the nicotine out of cigarettes and the fun out of Disneyland, too.

Summer Jobs

Every time I had to cut the grass when I was a kid, I'd cry. It wasn't because I hated it, it was just because most of our lawn was onion

nEON

I used to have a neon sign in my apartment, but that attracted too many alcoholics. So then I got a lamp. Now I can check IDs.

Bat Boy

The National Enquirer said they found the infamous Bat Boy. You've seen him on pages in your supermarket before, I'm sure. That's a shame they found him, becuase they got him working in Major Leagure Baseball parks all across the nation now. That must really suck for him during the day games, I mean, he's a bat for Christ's Sake, let him at least work in a dome.