Women

You can't live with them, and you can't get them to wear skimpy outfits and beat you with a warm squash. - Emo Phillips

Thanks to my decade of failed relationships with women, I've developed a working knowledge of how they work. It's not that I'm really good; rather, I've learned pretty much every way possible to piss off women. I'm so good that I've earned a PhD in "Eloquence and Subtlety of Speech Communications" also more informally known as "knowing when the fuck to shut up". My dissertation was supposed to be about all of things men have ever said to women that was technically and ethically acceptable to women. Sadly, though, the requirement was for sixty pages, and I couldn't get more than one sentence...the only thing ever said to a woman that was correct was "I agree with you". That's about it. Conversely, I changed the topic to "things men have said that are incorrect". After working for months, I abandoned the project in fear that I'd rob the planet of much needed trees.

I'm proud of the fact that I've never had an affair or left a girlfriend when she was in a time of need. My girlfriends seem to be much prouder of something else.

They say men and women are like cats and dogs. It's true. One group is made up of a pack of bitches, forcing the other to turn into a bunch of pussies.