Baseball and Sex

Here's one for guys...and for the benefit of girls.

Do you remember how baseball bases were used as a metaphor for getting "lucky" with a woman? It was the way you once referenced how far you got with your girlfriend, back when you were in middle school, in high school, you know, back when you were a juvenile, like, say around the ages of 12 to 62.

Well, it's a good lesson for everyone in figuring out how to have good sex. For instance, even if you're not a big baseball fan, it's common knowledge that there are three bases and one plate...the natural progression is to hit first, go to second, then to third, then finally come to home plate.

When you were referencing your love luck, first base was a kiss, second base involved the breasts, third involved the vagina, and a trip around all four to home plate was a homerun, or going all the way, or intercourse, or a prelude to a life of misery because you forgot your batter's glove and just had to swing away.....way ahead of the pitch, an early swing, and now you sit in the dugout as a manager, never playing or having fun anymore.

Well, when you hit a homerun, for it to be official, you have to touch all the bases, going from first through home plate. This is the natural order and shouldn't be reversed. You don't want to hit a homerun, then go to third, because that's gonna be messy and God knows you don't want to go head first into the bag after that mess. Going to second after a homerun makes you seem like a boob freak with "mother" issues, and if you've hit a homerun, dug into third and hit second again, you damn sure don't want to get anywhere near first because someone's most likely gonna hit you when you get there.

Instead, you've gotta savor the moment, you know, like Barry Bonds when he hits one he knows is going out. You KNOW when you're about to hit a homerun, so don't rush it. No one is going to try to throw you out, so you need to really take some time to take it all in, to gingerly round those bases to the sounds of appreciation and cheers (and if you do it with style, you might be asked to come back out for a bow). First, you gotta look up and watch it happen. Stare deeply into the darkness, those eyes, and really give it a look and smile a little. You slowly head towards first, and that's where the best finesse can be used. Lean into it a little, keep your head down and angled a bit, but up enough to keep the connection with the fans. Hit the first base bag right, and you can bob on over to second. For some, this is the best part, because you're closest to the outfield, far away from the concrete stands and closer to the grass, so it's a little cooler here. There's two people on either side of second, so pay close attention to both of them as you go around, not just one. You'll know they've responded to your efforts if there standing straight up and staring at you, not happy that you've scored but they damn sure respect the fact that you're the man. They may even give you a little slap as you go by in appreciation. Now you're coming to third...literally. Sometimes you're closer to her dugout at this point, though it's perfectly fine if your dugout is getting equal attention at this time. This is perhaps the least appreciated portion of rounding the bases, because the cameras on TV make a cut to a different angle at this point. Because of this, the proper method of rounding third is largely unknown to most amateurs, but is greatly skilled practice of professionals. Some people like to hit the outside edge of the bag, some like to go right down the middle, some just tip the top edge of the bag because that's the best spot, the one that responds the best off of the tap. Now, you're on your way home. It's a useless effort if you don't make it all the way to the bag. If you turn towards your dugout too early, you don't score and that makes the dugout mad and depressed, all in one. No, appreciate this part. Come into it slow, trot a little, maybe go in with a skip, perhaps hop into it, maybe you can speed your pace a little faster as you approach, some just hit it hard with an emphasis and a smile. No matter how you hit it, be sure it's the way that works for you, because no one really gets as much out of it as you do, while some get their kicks just seeing the man come into the plate.

Soemetimes, though, it's permissible to not even come all the way around. There are times when the game has gone on too long, no one has scored for so very long, and the tension is mounting. It's the bottom of the 18th, the bases are loaded, and it's all up to you. You get the perfect pitch, because it's so late and has been so long that the defenses are down and you get a hanging curveball dropping down into the zone as you start to take that swing. In this case, you just swing away as hard as you can, give it all you can, and let it go. Here, no one cares about style. You've emptied the bags, the opponent is drained, and the crowd goes wild. You still have to touch first, out of respect, but you can collapse right there because it's all over, and it's time to go to bed.

Enjoy.