I can't figure out people's fascination with pro athletes. I've been to several Braves games, and it's amazing to watch people nut themselves over the fact that someone can hit a small, circular object a long way. Don't people realize that these people have been doing this non-stop for 20 years and that they're getting paid billions to do it?
I mean, seriously, I'd get a bigger kick out of sports if every ninth batter was someone selected from the stands. "Now batting, Delores Goodwine of Norcross, Georgia...Skip, Delores is apparently a lefty and comes in at five foot even, 167, and was born in 1938. She plays softball with her church league on Sundays and has a good, strong arm for a 69 year old".
If they gave her a shot of steroids like they do for Barry Bonds, she might get it out to the left-center gap.
What's worse is the way women swoon over these guys, too. There's hardly a good looking guy among them, but they just love those young guys (he's got a good butt...well, shit, they all do because they do nothing but work out and wear tight pants). Maybe I should wear knee-high socks and tight pants to school, too, and I'd have more luck with the ladies.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Immigration
Apparently, Ted Kennedy was behind the Immigration legislation that was booed down by the American public (what a novelty...people complained, and people in Washington listened...how scary).
This isn't good news for immigrants. If Kennedy hasn't changed much, I'm sure there was some rider in that legislation that involved a car ride across a bridge with him behind the wheel and a fifth of scotch. I hope they smuggled oxygen across the border...yikes.
This isn't good news for immigrants. If Kennedy hasn't changed much, I'm sure there was some rider in that legislation that involved a car ride across a bridge with him behind the wheel and a fifth of scotch. I hope they smuggled oxygen across the border...yikes.
Kids and Test Scores...A Solution
We have these big tests at the end of the year in education, tests that are supposed to tell us if our kids are smart and if we've been doing our job throughout the year. Never mind the fact that there are few, if any, middle school aged kids who are in their right mind long enough to learn anything, but these tests are, apparently, the indicator of our efforts.
Lately, kids have been doing poorly on their tests. Latest polls show that the majority of American elementary school students can't locate Mexico on a map. Perhaps this is because Mexico is in the United States now, and these poor whipper-snappers are all confused or some shit. I know I am, most of the time. Where the hell is Canada? Why should I CARE?
Anyway, I think I have a solution. All these tests are taken on multiple choice forms, what we commonly call "Scan-trons," the lost brotherhood of Transformers that disappeared millions of years ago but have been resurrected for testing purposes in the 21st century. We're telling these kids that they can't fill in the bubbles with anything less than a number 2 pencil...number 2? Hell, no wonder they suck at this test, they can't even use their #1 pencil! Would you start an NFL season by telling the coach to scrap his starting QB and pu in his #2 man? We're telling our kids to go to their backup pencil on the most important test of the year! Shit, man!
Lately, kids have been doing poorly on their tests. Latest polls show that the majority of American elementary school students can't locate Mexico on a map. Perhaps this is because Mexico is in the United States now, and these poor whipper-snappers are all confused or some shit. I know I am, most of the time. Where the hell is Canada? Why should I CARE?
Anyway, I think I have a solution. All these tests are taken on multiple choice forms, what we commonly call "Scan-trons," the lost brotherhood of Transformers that disappeared millions of years ago but have been resurrected for testing purposes in the 21st century. We're telling these kids that they can't fill in the bubbles with anything less than a number 2 pencil...number 2? Hell, no wonder they suck at this test, they can't even use their #1 pencil! Would you start an NFL season by telling the coach to scrap his starting QB and pu in his #2 man? We're telling our kids to go to their backup pencil on the most important test of the year! Shit, man!
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Cussing
I like to cuss. Since I teach all day, I basically have to turn the valve off for eight hours, which leads to a build-up of swearing that gushes out at the end of the day. Problem is, if you do an after-school activity, you're more prone to let one slip since you've grown accustomed to letting loose around 4 pm everyday.
The other day, I'm helping my seventh grade team get their defense set, so I'm playing quarterback and there's eleven kids on the other side who want to absolutely destroy me for the multitude of parent phone calls, homework, and tests I had given them the year before. Time after time, the ball would be snapped and these kids played like the Lawrence Taylor All-Star team, just to get a lick in on me. On the last play that I dared to run, I took the ball off towards the sidelines, running for dear life. Three guys got to me, one little one that wrapped my ankles and drove my knees into the ground. As I landed on my 32-year-old (and surgically repaired) patellas, the only thing I could thing to utter was "SHIT".
Thankfully, they thought I said, "nice hit". Thank God for the mouthpiece.
The other day, I'm helping my seventh grade team get their defense set, so I'm playing quarterback and there's eleven kids on the other side who want to absolutely destroy me for the multitude of parent phone calls, homework, and tests I had given them the year before. Time after time, the ball would be snapped and these kids played like the Lawrence Taylor All-Star team, just to get a lick in on me. On the last play that I dared to run, I took the ball off towards the sidelines, running for dear life. Three guys got to me, one little one that wrapped my ankles and drove my knees into the ground. As I landed on my 32-year-old (and surgically repaired) patellas, the only thing I could thing to utter was "SHIT".
Thankfully, they thought I said, "nice hit". Thank God for the mouthpiece.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Honesty
My life is like an open book that noone wants to read. It's mostly fiction, but it's still not interesting enough to pick up and keep on the shelf. Most people buy the Cliff Notes, because they're a lot less painful.
Sunday, August 5, 2007
Baseball and Sex
Here's one for guys...and for the benefit of girls.
Do you remember how baseball bases were used as a metaphor for getting "lucky" with a woman? It was the way you once referenced how far you got with your girlfriend, back when you were in middle school, in high school, you know, back when you were a juvenile, like, say around the ages of 12 to 62.
Well, it's a good lesson for everyone in figuring out how to have good sex. For instance, even if you're not a big baseball fan, it's common knowledge that there are three bases and one plate...the natural progression is to hit first, go to second, then to third, then finally come to home plate.
When you were referencing your love luck, first base was a kiss, second base involved the breasts, third involved the vagina, and a trip around all four to home plate was a homerun, or going all the way, or intercourse, or a prelude to a life of misery because you forgot your batter's glove and just had to swing away.....way ahead of the pitch, an early swing, and now you sit in the dugout as a manager, never playing or having fun anymore.
Well, when you hit a homerun, for it to be official, you have to touch all the bases, going from first through home plate. This is the natural order and shouldn't be reversed. You don't want to hit a homerun, then go to third, because that's gonna be messy and God knows you don't want to go head first into the bag after that mess. Going to second after a homerun makes you seem like a boob freak with "mother" issues, and if you've hit a homerun, dug into third and hit second again, you damn sure don't want to get anywhere near first because someone's most likely gonna hit you when you get there.
Instead, you've gotta savor the moment, you know, like Barry Bonds when he hits one he knows is going out. You KNOW when you're about to hit a homerun, so don't rush it. No one is going to try to throw you out, so you need to really take some time to take it all in, to gingerly round those bases to the sounds of appreciation and cheers (and if you do it with style, you might be asked to come back out for a bow). First, you gotta look up and watch it happen. Stare deeply into the darkness, those eyes, and really give it a look and smile a little. You slowly head towards first, and that's where the best finesse can be used. Lean into it a little, keep your head down and angled a bit, but up enough to keep the connection with the fans. Hit the first base bag right, and you can bob on over to second. For some, this is the best part, because you're closest to the outfield, far away from the concrete stands and closer to the grass, so it's a little cooler here. There's two people on either side of second, so pay close attention to both of them as you go around, not just one. You'll know they've responded to your efforts if there standing straight up and staring at you, not happy that you've scored but they damn sure respect the fact that you're the man. They may even give you a little slap as you go by in appreciation. Now you're coming to third...literally. Sometimes you're closer to her dugout at this point, though it's perfectly fine if your dugout is getting equal attention at this time. This is perhaps the least appreciated portion of rounding the bases, because the cameras on TV make a cut to a different angle at this point. Because of this, the proper method of rounding third is largely unknown to most amateurs, but is greatly skilled practice of professionals. Some people like to hit the outside edge of the bag, some like to go right down the middle, some just tip the top edge of the bag because that's the best spot, the one that responds the best off of the tap. Now, you're on your way home. It's a useless effort if you don't make it all the way to the bag. If you turn towards your dugout too early, you don't score and that makes the dugout mad and depressed, all in one. No, appreciate this part. Come into it slow, trot a little, maybe go in with a skip, perhaps hop into it, maybe you can speed your pace a little faster as you approach, some just hit it hard with an emphasis and a smile. No matter how you hit it, be sure it's the way that works for you, because no one really gets as much out of it as you do, while some get their kicks just seeing the man come into the plate.
Soemetimes, though, it's permissible to not even come all the way around. There are times when the game has gone on too long, no one has scored for so very long, and the tension is mounting. It's the bottom of the 18th, the bases are loaded, and it's all up to you. You get the perfect pitch, because it's so late and has been so long that the defenses are down and you get a hanging curveball dropping down into the zone as you start to take that swing. In this case, you just swing away as hard as you can, give it all you can, and let it go. Here, no one cares about style. You've emptied the bags, the opponent is drained, and the crowd goes wild. You still have to touch first, out of respect, but you can collapse right there because it's all over, and it's time to go to bed.
Enjoy.
Do you remember how baseball bases were used as a metaphor for getting "lucky" with a woman? It was the way you once referenced how far you got with your girlfriend, back when you were in middle school, in high school, you know, back when you were a juvenile, like, say around the ages of 12 to 62.
Well, it's a good lesson for everyone in figuring out how to have good sex. For instance, even if you're not a big baseball fan, it's common knowledge that there are three bases and one plate...the natural progression is to hit first, go to second, then to third, then finally come to home plate.
When you were referencing your love luck, first base was a kiss, second base involved the breasts, third involved the vagina, and a trip around all four to home plate was a homerun, or going all the way, or intercourse, or a prelude to a life of misery because you forgot your batter's glove and just had to swing away.....way ahead of the pitch, an early swing, and now you sit in the dugout as a manager, never playing or having fun anymore.
Well, when you hit a homerun, for it to be official, you have to touch all the bases, going from first through home plate. This is the natural order and shouldn't be reversed. You don't want to hit a homerun, then go to third, because that's gonna be messy and God knows you don't want to go head first into the bag after that mess. Going to second after a homerun makes you seem like a boob freak with "mother" issues, and if you've hit a homerun, dug into third and hit second again, you damn sure don't want to get anywhere near first because someone's most likely gonna hit you when you get there.
Instead, you've gotta savor the moment, you know, like Barry Bonds when he hits one he knows is going out. You KNOW when you're about to hit a homerun, so don't rush it. No one is going to try to throw you out, so you need to really take some time to take it all in, to gingerly round those bases to the sounds of appreciation and cheers (and if you do it with style, you might be asked to come back out for a bow). First, you gotta look up and watch it happen. Stare deeply into the darkness, those eyes, and really give it a look and smile a little. You slowly head towards first, and that's where the best finesse can be used. Lean into it a little, keep your head down and angled a bit, but up enough to keep the connection with the fans. Hit the first base bag right, and you can bob on over to second. For some, this is the best part, because you're closest to the outfield, far away from the concrete stands and closer to the grass, so it's a little cooler here. There's two people on either side of second, so pay close attention to both of them as you go around, not just one. You'll know they've responded to your efforts if there standing straight up and staring at you, not happy that you've scored but they damn sure respect the fact that you're the man. They may even give you a little slap as you go by in appreciation. Now you're coming to third...literally. Sometimes you're closer to her dugout at this point, though it's perfectly fine if your dugout is getting equal attention at this time. This is perhaps the least appreciated portion of rounding the bases, because the cameras on TV make a cut to a different angle at this point. Because of this, the proper method of rounding third is largely unknown to most amateurs, but is greatly skilled practice of professionals. Some people like to hit the outside edge of the bag, some like to go right down the middle, some just tip the top edge of the bag because that's the best spot, the one that responds the best off of the tap. Now, you're on your way home. It's a useless effort if you don't make it all the way to the bag. If you turn towards your dugout too early, you don't score and that makes the dugout mad and depressed, all in one. No, appreciate this part. Come into it slow, trot a little, maybe go in with a skip, perhaps hop into it, maybe you can speed your pace a little faster as you approach, some just hit it hard with an emphasis and a smile. No matter how you hit it, be sure it's the way that works for you, because no one really gets as much out of it as you do, while some get their kicks just seeing the man come into the plate.
Soemetimes, though, it's permissible to not even come all the way around. There are times when the game has gone on too long, no one has scored for so very long, and the tension is mounting. It's the bottom of the 18th, the bases are loaded, and it's all up to you. You get the perfect pitch, because it's so late and has been so long that the defenses are down and you get a hanging curveball dropping down into the zone as you start to take that swing. In this case, you just swing away as hard as you can, give it all you can, and let it go. Here, no one cares about style. You've emptied the bags, the opponent is drained, and the crowd goes wild. You still have to touch first, out of respect, but you can collapse right there because it's all over, and it's time to go to bed.
Enjoy.
Saturday, August 4, 2007
Women
You can't live with them, and you can't get them to wear skimpy outfits and beat you with a warm squash. - Emo Phillips
Thanks to my decade of failed relationships with women, I've developed a working knowledge of how they work. It's not that I'm really good; rather, I've learned pretty much every way possible to piss off women. I'm so good that I've earned a PhD in "Eloquence and Subtlety of Speech Communications" also more informally known as "knowing when the fuck to shut up". My dissertation was supposed to be about all of things men have ever said to women that was technically and ethically acceptable to women. Sadly, though, the requirement was for sixty pages, and I couldn't get more than one sentence...the only thing ever said to a woman that was correct was "I agree with you". That's about it. Conversely, I changed the topic to "things men have said that are incorrect". After working for months, I abandoned the project in fear that I'd rob the planet of much needed trees.
I'm proud of the fact that I've never had an affair or left a girlfriend when she was in a time of need. My girlfriends seem to be much prouder of something else.
They say men and women are like cats and dogs. It's true. One group is made up of a pack of bitches, forcing the other to turn into a bunch of pussies.
Thanks to my decade of failed relationships with women, I've developed a working knowledge of how they work. It's not that I'm really good; rather, I've learned pretty much every way possible to piss off women. I'm so good that I've earned a PhD in "Eloquence and Subtlety of Speech Communications" also more informally known as "knowing when the fuck to shut up". My dissertation was supposed to be about all of things men have ever said to women that was technically and ethically acceptable to women. Sadly, though, the requirement was for sixty pages, and I couldn't get more than one sentence...the only thing ever said to a woman that was correct was "I agree with you". That's about it. Conversely, I changed the topic to "things men have said that are incorrect". After working for months, I abandoned the project in fear that I'd rob the planet of much needed trees.
I'm proud of the fact that I've never had an affair or left a girlfriend when she was in a time of need. My girlfriends seem to be much prouder of something else.
They say men and women are like cats and dogs. It's true. One group is made up of a pack of bitches, forcing the other to turn into a bunch of pussies.
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