Disneyland

Someday, I wanna meet the fucker who came up with decaffinated coffee and non-alcoholic beer. We gotta stop him before he takes the nicotine out of cigarettes and the fun out of Disneyland, too.

Summer Jobs

Every time I had to cut the grass when I was a kid, I'd cry. It wasn't because I hated it, it was just because most of our lawn was onion

nEON

I used to have a neon sign in my apartment, but that attracted too many alcoholics. So then I got a lamp. Now I can check IDs.

Bat Boy

The National Enquirer said they found the infamous Bat Boy. You've seen him on pages in your supermarket before, I'm sure. That's a shame they found him, becuase they got him working in Major Leagure Baseball parks all across the nation now. That must really suck for him during the day games, I mean, he's a bat for Christ's Sake, let him at least work in a dome.

Poor and famous

So many people say they wanna be rich and famous, but why doesn't anyone want to be poor and famous? I've met way more of them folks in my time. Like that bum everybody knows on the corner? Everyone knows his name because he's asked em for some money, but I bet you don't even know what your neighbors name is, and he's way more rich than that bum. That bum is poor and famous, and nobody ever tries to blackmail him or take pictures of his secret life. I guess you could be rich and obscure, but what good is that if you ain't got friends to invite over to your mansion or castle or fortress of solitude?

School buses

When I get rich, I'm gonna buy me a school bus, pull up to bus stops, open the doors, and then shut 'em real quick before the kids can get on. That's cruel, you say? Nay, nay. Because them kids won't have to go to school, and they'll be happy. Believe it or not, so will the teachers.

Number two pencils

Kids are always using Number 2 pencils when they take their tests. That builds an inferiority complex in those little kids, man! You're going to take a test today, but you have to use your number 2 pencil, not your number 1. No wonder our kids suck at the SAT! Let 'em use their number one pencils and they'd be fine, but, nope, they gotta use the backup, and we know the backup's never as good as the number 1 man.