A Guy Goes to a Doctor

And says, "Doc, you gotta help me. I've got five penises!"

The doctor asks, "Jesus! How do your pants fit?"

The patient responds, "like a glove".

A guy goes to the doctor

And has one of the worst cases of "silent but deadly" gas.

"Doc," he says, painfully, "I've got this horrible silent gas. It just comes and - OOOH, there's one right there - goes, and I can't control it. It smells absolutely - ahhhh, gosh, there's another one - horrible and I don't know what's going on. What could - God, there's two in a row! - you say or do to help me about this? What's going on?"

The doctor looked at the patient and said, "well, first off, you're going deaf".

Pro Athletes

I can't figure out people's fascination with pro athletes. I've been to several Braves games, and it's amazing to watch people nut themselves over the fact that someone can hit a small, circular object a long way. Don't people realize that these people have been doing this non-stop for 20 years and that they're getting paid billions to do it?

I mean, seriously, I'd get a bigger kick out of sports if every ninth batter was someone selected from the stands. "Now batting, Delores Goodwine of Norcross, Georgia...Skip, Delores is apparently a lefty and comes in at five foot even, 167, and was born in 1938. She plays softball with her church league on Sundays and has a good, strong arm for a 69 year old".

If they gave her a shot of steroids like they do for Barry Bonds, she might get it out to the left-center gap.

What's worse is the way women swoon over these guys, too. There's hardly a good looking guy among them, but they just love those young guys (he's got a good butt...well, shit, they all do because they do nothing but work out and wear tight pants). Maybe I should wear knee-high socks and tight pants to school, too, and I'd have more luck with the ladies.

Immigration

Apparently, Ted Kennedy was behind the Immigration legislation that was booed down by the American public (what a novelty...people complained, and people in Washington listened...how scary).

This isn't good news for immigrants. If Kennedy hasn't changed much, I'm sure there was some rider in that legislation that involved a car ride across a bridge with him behind the wheel and a fifth of scotch. I hope they smuggled oxygen across the border...yikes.

Kids and Test Scores...A Solution

We have these big tests at the end of the year in education, tests that are supposed to tell us if our kids are smart and if we've been doing our job throughout the year. Never mind the fact that there are few, if any, middle school aged kids who are in their right mind long enough to learn anything, but these tests are, apparently, the indicator of our efforts.

Lately, kids have been doing poorly on their tests. Latest polls show that the majority of American elementary school students can't locate Mexico on a map. Perhaps this is because Mexico is in the United States now, and these poor whipper-snappers are all confused or some shit. I know I am, most of the time. Where the hell is Canada? Why should I CARE?

Anyway, I think I have a solution. All these tests are taken on multiple choice forms, what we commonly call "Scan-trons," the lost brotherhood of Transformers that disappeared millions of years ago but have been resurrected for testing purposes in the 21st century. We're telling these kids that they can't fill in the bubbles with anything less than a number 2 pencil...number 2? Hell, no wonder they suck at this test, they can't even use their #1 pencil! Would you start an NFL season by telling the coach to scrap his starting QB and pu in his #2 man? We're telling our kids to go to their backup pencil on the most important test of the year! Shit, man!

Cussing

I like to cuss. Since I teach all day, I basically have to turn the valve off for eight hours, which leads to a build-up of swearing that gushes out at the end of the day. Problem is, if you do an after-school activity, you're more prone to let one slip since you've grown accustomed to letting loose around 4 pm everyday.

The other day, I'm helping my seventh grade team get their defense set, so I'm playing quarterback and there's eleven kids on the other side who want to absolutely destroy me for the multitude of parent phone calls, homework, and tests I had given them the year before. Time after time, the ball would be snapped and these kids played like the Lawrence Taylor All-Star team, just to get a lick in on me. On the last play that I dared to run, I took the ball off towards the sidelines, running for dear life. Three guys got to me, one little one that wrapped my ankles and drove my knees into the ground. As I landed on my 32-year-old (and surgically repaired) patellas, the only thing I could thing to utter was "SHIT".

Thankfully, they thought I said, "nice hit". Thank God for the mouthpiece.

Honesty

My life is like an open book that noone wants to read. It's mostly fiction, but it's still not interesting enough to pick up and keep on the shelf. Most people buy the Cliff Notes, because they're a lot less painful.